I received a question last week, via text message, from a young friend of mine (early twenties). She's been seeing a man (late twenties) exclusively for seven months. Her question was regarding The Holiday Issue. You know the one. The one where he wants to be with his family and you want to be with yours and you're not sure if the twain shall ever meet ~ the one where you don't know whether to bring it up or let it go ~ the one where all of your fears of future holidays not spent together spring up out of the darkest recesses of your mind ~ you know... all that jazz.
These are tricky issues and certainly the answers lie in knowing your own situation. I believe it's important to remember that the union of two people is as unique as the people involved. This "coupling" is a new creation ~ a new thing. If you try to impress old rules on this new thing, it will prove to be a detriment.
I feel that the key elements of a healthy, growing relationship are mutual consideration and respect for one another's individuality, a desire to meld your two lives together without compromising that consideration and the ability to communicate and promote all of this. ("Communicate" being a subjective term wherein the two people are expected to be capable of honest expression with one another, whether through words or action.)
In light of this, one cannot just make broad statements like, "A mate who won't go to family gatherings and do what you want to do on holidays is OUT. They don't care about you!"
Who am I to say who cares about you? You are the one who knows whether your partner cares about you. So I think it would be helpful to sit down and make an honest assessment about whether or not the actions in the specific situation you are evaluating are motivated by lack of consideration or just someone exercising their own individual needs in a way that does you no harm.
The fact is that, especially in relationships that are just starting, people are still battling their own demons. And we don't need to take everything that they do personally. There is nothing wrong with asking them, "Is this happening because you don't believe in sharing holidays with a partner, or because of something going on (or not going on) between us?" And there is nothing wrong with them honestly saying, "It has nothing to do with us, so please don't worry about that."
Besides, who cares about being partner-less on a holiday? So long as you look good doing it!
What say you, my clever readers?
