I received a question last week, via text message, from a young friend of mine (early twenties). She's been seeing a man (late twenties) exclusively for seven months. Her question was regarding The Holiday Issue. You know the one. The one where he wants to be with his family and you want to be with yours and you're not sure if the twain shall ever meet ~ the one where you don't know whether to bring it up or let it go ~ the one where all of your fears of future holidays not spent together spring up out of the darkest recesses of your mind ~ you know... all that jazz.
These are tricky issues and certainly the answers lie in knowing your own situation. I believe it's important to remember that the union of two people is as unique as the people involved. This "coupling" is a new creation ~ a new thing. If you try to impress old rules on this new thing, it will prove to be a detriment.
I feel that the key elements of a healthy, growing relationship are mutual consideration and respect for one another's individuality, a desire to meld your two lives together without compromising that consideration and the ability to communicate and promote all of this. ("Communicate" being a subjective term wherein the two people are expected to be capable of honest expression with one another, whether through words or action.)
In light of this, one cannot just make broad statements like, "A mate who won't go to family gatherings and do what you want to do on holidays is OUT. They don't care about you!"
Who am I to say who cares about you? You are the one who knows whether your partner cares about you. So I think it would be helpful to sit down and make an honest assessment about whether or not the actions in the specific situation you are evaluating are motivated by lack of consideration or just someone exercising their own individual needs in a way that does you no harm.
The fact is that, especially in relationships that are just starting, people are still battling their own demons. And we don't need to take everything that they do personally. There is nothing wrong with asking them, "Is this happening because you don't believe in sharing holidays with a partner, or because of something going on (or not going on) between us?" And there is nothing wrong with them honestly saying, "It has nothing to do with us, so please don't worry about that."
Besides, who cares about being partner-less on a holiday? So long as you look good doing it!
What say you, my clever readers?
12 comments:
I dealt with this for a year before coming up with a solution for my family.
Lucky for me, my family and hers both live in the same area, so we tend to have a later Thanksgiving with one family one year, and then switch for the next..
Thus, her family celebrated with us this year, and we celebrated with mine over the weekend afterwards. Next year, my family gets us for the "real" holiday, and her family will get us for the weekend following.
Christmas and Christmas Eve are great ways to fix the holiday there.
Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas Day with the other. Switch off accordingly. Same with New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.
Rinse, repeat, have a great holiday season!
Good advice, Jormengrund. Actually, in this specific case, both families are nearby. Hence, the major reason for the problem.
I'm very much for not adding stress during the "holy day" season. At one point, I just started saying, "You know what. Let's just do what's good for our family. Fuck the rest of 'em."
Okay fine. I only said that in my head. :)
xmas for me this year is going to be sadder than usual. Christmas day will be spent with a dying loved one; boxing day will be spent with friends where we've just lost someone, so yeah, it'll be less about family dramas and more about just "being" with each other and appreciating the fact that we are. The way it really should always be, but of course sadly isn't. It shouldn't be about putting up with people who you normally don't choose to interact with. I guess that's easy for me to say though when there is only one person in my entire extended family who irks me.
I'm not sure I addressed your post, sorry. I was distracted by txt msg from on-again/off-again bf. We'll probably have broken up at least 28 times by Christmas day, so whether we spend it together or apart doesn't much depend on anyone else but ourselves.
Btw, I really loved this..
I feel that the key elements of a healthy, growing relationship are mutual consideration and respect for one another's individuality
...you're so right!
I want to know what demons Santa's sexy helper is battling - maybe I can assist!
As for your six inch tagline, that seems a little small to me (someone had to say it!)
I'm assuming you wrote something clever and relevant in this post, but you made the mistake of putting her picture in the middle of it and that was a far as I got. You should know better than that Teri.
Wanderling: Sorry you will be having such a sad season. :(
David: Yeah... someone says it every time they read it! I must say that without exception, every man I mention this title to has made that very statement. Which, in truth, is the very statement I am trying to provoke! :)
Furry: Uh... the picture is at the END of the stuff I said! ;) You bad boy.
I think this was a good opportunity for the two of them to make their own holiday traditions. Maybe they each went to see their own families on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, and celebrated together on the 23rd or 24th or 26th or something.
Hopefully it worked out without killing their relationship.
This is a no brainer. Give the man his head. Err... could I rephrase that?
Seriously, men are crappy at maintaining relationships, even with family. Women run all and control all.
To the degree a man wants to cling to family, give him his head. But let him know you want a tradeoff: your family for the next major holiday. And offer to organize all the holidays. Be fair to him give him at least 50% -- but 50% the way you choose it -- and life will be good.
As Jormengrund suggests, alternate.
-wolfe
When are you going to give us more hot pics - Santa is done until next December! (haha)
I figure that going on a date is usually social recreation.
Making a home - taking a mate, a long term relationship - is forming a unit of culture. The values and traditions comprise the basic unit of community and nations.
On a date, involving family or picking destinations is like deciding on where to go for a picnic - social recreation.
If you are talking about your home, and your mate, though, interactions with families and community functions forge traditions, establish values - and visits to others, family or friend, build bridges, bond one family into the extended family or community.
If a holiday or function was important to your family when you were growing up, it is still important to them. Anything you decide has to demonstrate your respect for those memories, those traditions. Most families will honor whatever you decide - if you are honest and honorable enough to stick with your choice year after year.
If he isn't interesting in being part of a family, or part of a community, if he doesn't have respect for someone because they aren't sharing his sheets - he is dating, and I question that he will settle in for the long term at all well.
I'm lucky in that my husband is not close with his family in a traditional sense so all important events are all on my side.
He doesn't like family events (but likes most of my family) so I choose my battles. He does Christmas Eve because it is important to my family. Everything else is negotiable for us.
My daughter, who is married, does lots of traveling, switching and sharing, so everyone gets a piece of the action.
My brother and his wife always do Christmas Eve with us, Christmas with hers, Thanksgiving switches each year.
It can't be an all or nothing kind of deal. My one niece's husband has done this to her and now we don't get to see her and her son because "your spouse is now your family and you have to put them first." Well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. You are an ass.
Post a Comment