Ain't No Cure For Love

Lord Jormengrund asks:

When it comes down to it, are you more flattered when the BF or hubby has gone the extra mile to do things around the house for you, OR when he's gone and done something for you (buy flowers etc)?

This is a good question. And one I’m sure puzzles men the world over. When I think of what the answer could be, I can only say that I appreciate anything my man does for me that shows he is thinking of me. That could be doing something around the house. It could be buying me flowers. It could just be calling me in the middle of the day to say hello.

Now, how does a woman know that a man is doing something because he’s thinking of her? HERE is where it gets tricky. The fact is, he may not even know the answer to this question!

You see, a gift that is given out of obligation, or out of a need to make a show of thinking of someone (when it’s possible the person is really thinking of themselves and how good it makes them feel and/or how they want the other person to see them) is not really given with honest intentions.

For instance, if my man does the dishes after dinner. Does he do this for me? Not likely. He’s probably doing it for both of us. Because it needs to be done. Maybe even because he doesn’t like how long I take to do them. Or even how I do them. And if he does them, thinking he can get bonus points for doing it “for me” when (especially in this latter case) he’s really just doing it for himself! No one gets bonus points when they are not being sincere. Another way to see it is that he knows that if the dishes are done, then it frees us up to do other things. Maybe fun things! Even if that is just sitting down and watching tv. But I would still call this doing something for “us” as opposed to “me.”

Another example could be that my man brings home flowers. Well who doesn’t like flowers? They brighten up a room. I am very happy to receive flowers at just about any given time. BUT if he is bringing home flowers to get some sort of anticipated response from me and/or to get more of those bonus points so that he can use it later to say, “Hey! I did this and this and this for you! You should do something for me!” then yeah… the flowers are not room brighteners any longer. And a woman learns to suspect WHY she is receiving them.

It is hard to know how and when to give gifts and it is also hard to know how to receive them graciously. This is a huge issue. On both sides.

The word communicate literally means “to give.” When we give a gift, we are trying to communicate something. Unfortunately, we have all learned that people rarely give truly unconditional gifts. And often it is hard to receive gifts, not only because of the suspicion that it strikes in our hearts of how much this will cost me, but because the reward of giving gifts is what most of us enjoy. We feel unworthy or unsettled in some way by graciously just saying, “thank you.” When you think about it, if you refuse to accept gifts from people, you are depriving them of that reward you so much enjoy by giving them.

On the other hand, maybe you have a martyr complex and want to be the only giving person in a situation so that no matter what happens, you can say “Hey! I’m the giving one!”

The easy answer is ~ giving is natural when someone really is on your mind. It’s called “being mindful” of them. If you can make that point come across, then you’ve done it.

I do realize that people require differing demonstrations of love and affection. Some want things done for them. Some want things given to them. Some want words. The key is in really knowing your partner. If you have decided that giving them things is the right way to show them, but they are not that type of person and they want words, then you ain’t bein’ mindful, are you?

Little things mean a lot. I thought this was cool one time when my guy and I went out. We were seated and I went to the ladies room. While I was gone, he ordered coffee for both of us. He had asked for cream for my coffee (he drinks his black). Just as I returned, the server showed up with the coffee and a couple of creamers. My guy immediately said (very politely, I might add), “We’ll need more cream.” He didn’t look at me for the big approval nod like, “Oh! See what I just did for you?’ It came very naturally for him to tell the server something he knew about me. I think this little gesture speaks volumes about how he sees me. Also, there was the time we were watching an old western and I commented on how cool that chandelier candelabra was that they pulled up and down from the ceiling with a rope. It was just a comment I made. Months later, I discover that he is shopping for items to make one for me.

Those are the things that matter to me. The things that let me know that he really and truly thinks of me.